


Beautiful Disaster

by HornedQueenOfHell



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec is kind of a dick, Angst, Book 5: City of Lost Souls, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Malec break-up, SO MUCH DAMN ANGST, Songfic, Spoilers For Book 5: City of Lost Souls, aku cinta kamu, hope you read the books, or you will be confused, page 511
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 11:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8101021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HornedQueenOfHell/pseuds/HornedQueenOfHell
Summary: Alec feels like he doesn't have a big impact on Magnus' life because the warlock won't tell him about it. This follows Alec's feelings and spiraling insecurities throughout book 5.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of Kelly Clarkson's song you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHa-94NMsEo
> 
> I woke up with the song on my mind today and parts of it really struck chords with me about the malec break up. I see the song mostly as Alec's views of Magnus in the depth of his insecurities. Not that Magnus is personally a disaster but is creating this disastrous rift between them by not telling Alec his past/ blowing off his questions/ practically forcing him to Camille for information. Magnus of course has his reasons for not sharing, not that Alec has a maturity level capable of understanding that in the books. (Thank you Shadowhunters for not going that route!) I'm not purposely ignoring the part about Alec considering removing Magnus' immortality but I never found a spot for it. I really wanted to throttle Alec for that but personal opinions aside I was in a mood and wrote a fuckload of angst so yeah.

Alec lay awake despite the clock’s digital protest of it being three twenty-three in the morning, Magnus lay beside him with Chairman Meow purring from atop the multicolored strands of the warlock’s hair. Things had been strained between the couple recently. Alec couldn’t help but feel like just one is a long string of the warlock’s lovers. 

If it had been a gradual thing maybe Alec wouldn’t be so insecure about this, he logically knew Magnus was old, that he had been around the world and seen and done things Alec could only imagine. He knew he couldn’t blame Magnus for not being celibate his entire life that would be stupid of Alec to think that. But now, because all of this seemed to be hitting at once and Magnus kept shrugging it off Alec was at a loss. Did Magnus not want to share his past because he didn’t consider Alec impactful enough on his life? 

Was Magnus finally figuring out that he was far too good for Alec? Had he pushed too far when he’d tried to keep Magnus his dirty little secret? Was this karma for Alec’s cowardice or had Magnus realized he could have more with an immortal lover? Maybe he got sick of the fact that Alec was a guy, maybe he wanted a woman again? Maybe he wanted someone more experienced... more adventurous in bed.

The young shadowhunter choked back a sob as he felt his heart being ground into tiny pieces. Placing an arm over his eyes he used his sleeve to keep the tears from falling. Magnus was his first love and now he had ruined everything. 

Sniffling quietly Alec tried to pull himself together. The boy scooted a little closer to his lover and glanced up at him, studying the warlock’s features as he had a hundred times before. Magnus was beautiful, perhaps even more so than Jace, but he knew he still harboured some sort of feeling for the blonde. Magnus knew that Alec liked him, he’d told him, it was why Magnus had even agreed to a date with him. 

“Why are you still awake?” Magnus asked, apparently awake, Alec could see just the barest hints of still sleep heavy golden cat-eyes.

Magnus’ eyes had been a turn on for Alec from day one, he didn’t care that they were the proof that the older man was a warlock, half demon, he’d loved them. It took some effort but he dragged himself away from his lovers eyes and finally answered,

“Couldn’t sleep, worried about Jace and stuff ya’know.” He yawned causing his last few words to slur together.

“Jace will be fine darling, he’s got you looking out for him.”

“Thank you Magnus.” The warlock opened his arms allowing Alec to curl up against his chest. Once Alec was comfortable Magnus sighed and hummed, squeezing Alec lightly.

“Sleep, darling.” The older man murmured running his fingers through Alec’s hair. The shadowhunter closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Magnus’ heart, but he still couldn’t sleep.

 

_He drowns in his dreams_  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold  
And if I try to save him  
My whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right  
It just ain't right 

_Oh and I don't know_  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful  
Or just a beautiful disaster 

“Am I the newest thing in this apartment?” Alec knew the second the words slipped out of his mouth he didn’t mean them. By the Angel he was getting jealous of a scarf! Magnus had just wanted him to wear one that matched his eyes, he was just being Magnus. But then the warlock smiled at him like Alec was being childish and the shadowhunter saw red.  
“I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He’s only two.”  
“I said newest, not youngest!” He snapped. Magnus looked shocked at Alec and the shadowhunter couldn’t stand it anymore. He left, and the fight that night had more than made them both miserable. 

A few days later Alec returned to the apartment to see how Magnus was. He found the warlock elbows deep in potions and spells.

“Magnus I-”  
“Hold that thought for a few minutes Alec. I need to finish this potion.”

Alec? Magnus never called him Alec. Magnus made his name beautiful and he never wanted to hear Magnus call him that again. But he had to wait because Magnus was in High Warlock mode not boyfriend mode. Magnus had never been that short with him before, not even if the potion had been about to explode.

Trying to write it off as Magnus still being upset about the fight, Alec sat in an armchair. The same one he’d sat in when he asked Magnus out. Alec picked at a fraying string on the sleeve of his sweater. 

Truth was he’d finally come back to Magnus to try to get the warlock to open up to him again. Because now Alec had a second option, Camille, Magnus’ vampiric ex-lover had offered Alec what he desired. Information. She and Magnus had known each other for centuries, she offered to tell him about Magnus. 

“Sorry about that Alexander, the client has been calling me at least once an hour demanding I finish this tonight.”

“What kind of potion is it?” Alec asked, Magnus winked at him.

“Now, now. You and I already agreed I would keep my clients and jobs to myself so you couldn’t get in trouble with the Clave.”

“Is is something that would get you in trouble with the Clave?” Magnus thought about it for a moment before shaking his head.

“Not this time.”

“Then I don’t see what the problem is.” Alec snipped, Magnus shut down and leaned away from him.

“What do you want Alec?” There is was again, Alec. The young shadowhunter was on his feet before he realized he was doing.

“Nothing I guess.” And with that the boy left, he had a meeting to schedule. If Magnus got mad then the warlock would have to come to Alec to discuss it because he was sick of trying to get Magnus to share his life with him.

_He's magic and myth_  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
And do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight 

_Oh and I don't know_  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful  
Or just a beautiful disaster 

Camille smirked up at Alec from her divan. "So where does Magnus think you are now?"  
Alec, who had put a plank of wood across two cinder blocks to form a sort of bench, stretched his long legs out and looked at his boots. "At the Institute, picking up clothes. I was going to go up to Spanish Harlem, but I came here instead."  
Her eyes narrowed. "And why is that?"  
"Because I can't do it. I can't kill Raphael."  
~0~

Alec tried to climb into bed silently but had forgotten about the Chairman, at least until he put his elbow right into the poor thing’s tail.

"What's going on? Where have you been?" Alec tried to keep his answers cryptic, Magnus rolled onto his side and touched Alec's bare shoulder. "Your skin's cold, and you smell like nighttime."  
"I was walking around,"  
"Around where?"  
_One must preserve some mystery in one’s relationship_ Camile’s words twisted through his mind and he tried to answer, mysteriously. The look on Magnus’ face said he failed, miserably.

"I see you went to Crazytown," he muttered, closing his eyes. "Did you bring me anything back?"

Alec stared at Magnus features. Camille hadn't given him much but now he knew where Magnus was born, Indonesia, Magnus was Indonesian. He was so delighted to know this simple thing about Magnus that he leaned over to press a quick kiss to the Warlock’s lips.

“Just that.” He went to pull away but Magnus stopped him desire reflected in his golden eyes.

"Well, if you're going to wake me up," he said, "you might as well make it worth my time," and he pulled Alec down on top of him.

~0~

Alec saw Magnus fall and couldn’t stop the scream of anguish that left his throat when his lover hit the ground. Magnus, no Magnus was immortal he couldn’t die!

The archer ruthlessly fired arrow after arrow at their enemies, aiming to kill instead of maim as he left a bloody swath in his wake. Falling to the warlock’s side Alec slashed open the leather armor Magnus had worn into battle. Finding a good sized gash in Magnus’ side Alec ripped off his jacket and balled it up pressing it to Magnus’ side. 

“I thought you were dead.” Alec breathed, the words forcing themselves from his throat which was still constricted with fear.

“From a little scratch?” Magnus tried to laugh until he saw the red rapidly staining Alec’s jacket. “Okay maybe not. Alexander darling if it’s alright with you I may need some of your strength again.”

“Of course Magnus, take anything take everything!” The shadowhunter clutched desperately at the older man’s hand, blue eyes filling with tears.

“So dramatic” Magnus sighed with a small smile. Light began to shine between their fingers as Alec held on praying to the angel for Magnus.

I can’t lose him, not when I’ve finally started to learn about him.

_I'm longing for love and the logical_  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long 

_He's soft to the touch_  
But frayed at the ends he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take 

 

"Aku cinta kamu."  
"What does that mean?"  
"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."

_Oh 'cause I don't know_  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful  
Or just a beautiful disaster 

_He's beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster_


End file.
